I have always known there was a God, but now I KNOW Him.
I was adopted when I was six months old. I was born in the Philippines and brought to Hawaii. My adopted father was in the navy for twenty years.
I was closer to my adopted father than my adopted mom. My adoptive mother never liked me and abused me when I was little. I can still remember being locked in my room for hours, her hitting me, and even pulling a knife out on me slamming it (in the sleeve) on my hand. (I was about six years old at that time.) I had pain in that hand for a long time.
My adoptive parents divorced when I was only nine. I moved to Texas with my father, and my brother stayed with my mom in Hawaii.
I know being a single parent was hard for my dad. I do not blame him. I love him dearly, but he wasn’t there for me like I needed him to be when I was a little girl. He tried his best to make sure I always felt like “Daddy’s little girl”, and that has only created more pain (because I believe my brother was jealous of that).
I always felt like I was the problem in our family. I felt like I was always messing things up. I did not feel wanted. No one listened to me and I did not have friends to talk to.
I just decided not to depend on anyone, as they have always let me down. I started to find friends that were not the best influence on me. I got into doing drugs and fights at school. At the age of thirteen I got sent to a Juvi bootcamp. I stayed for a year and half.
I tried killing myself six times by taking pills and cutting my arms. At the age of sixteen I started dabbling in heavier drugs. (Ecstacy, Crystal Meth, etc…) My favorite drug was Meth.
The last time I was high on it I was up for five days straight. I felt like I was going to overdose on it. The only thing that came to my mind was: God. I just begged Him to take the feeling out of my body and told Him I would never touch meth again! I haven’t since.
I was always looking for love and in all the wrong places. I just wanted someone to love me back for once. I had a string of bad relationships, two abortions and two miscarriages. I don’t know if I will ever be able to have children.
It was hard living on my own from the age of thirteen. I moved form friend to friend, and never knew where I was going to live. I did not have the luxury of wondering what to do with my life in general. Every day was a struggle. I could not see father ahead than that.
At the age of nineteen I started taking my clothes off for money. I danced for six years. During that time, I started drinking heavily. I would drink and drive because my life just didn’t matter to me anymore.
I had no purpose. I thought dancing was my life.
Performing on stage gave me some sort of validation. I liked that part of the job as I was athletic and talented. But, the table dances made me feel dirty. It took me a while to get numb to the shame.
For the first time in my life, I had some stability. I had money in my pocket, my own car and a home to sleep in. It felt like I finally “Had it all.” But, something was missing.
I did not have happiness, love, joy or real friends. I would sleep all day and stay out all night. I was comfortable in the dark.
I needed a change and just decided to move to San Antonio. I thought life would be different in a new location, but it wasn’t. I found another club to work at.
I met a man, we got married and then he abandoned me. I tried to forgive him and take him back, but I couldn’t. I was so tired of trying to make everyone else happy and not finding any of my own. It never got me anywhere anyways!
I got drunk and got in the car. I did not care. I called my friend and told her I was done with my life. She convinced me to join her for church that Sunday. (She was a house-mom at the stripclub).
To her surprise, I went. I cried out to God and gave Him my life. It was in His hands now. I gave Him my all. Myself, my marriage and my future were His.
After going to church for months and slowly piecing my life together, I felt the Lord prompting my heart to reconcile with my husband. I did not want to. I wanted to move on from the pain and I found a man that I was falling in love with. I prayed for reconciliation, but when it came time to do it, I changed my mind.
I believe God was testing me to see if I would make the choice to listen to him and restore my marriage or to follow my own desires. I decided to listen to God this time.
God was working on my husband’s heart while we were separated. We have dedicated our relationship to God , and we are growing together in God now. God has been the answer to my life and the instruction manual I live by is the Bible.
God is the purpose to your life. He created you, not your parents!
When you live for God (and not for yourself) life starts to make sense.
I don’t dance and work for the devil anymore. I serve God now.
The devil never got me anywhere. Jesus died for all of our sins and when you humble yourself before Him and ask for forgiveness, He will help you change your life.
By the way, I just found out I am pregnant!
If you would like to be an active part in healing a life that is hurting from neglect or poverty, please consider donating to Compassion.com click here to find out more: